The One I Love

I woke up last night, crying for you.

I held your ashes like a teddy bear and cried myself back to sleep.

And, this morning I realized that I woke up right at the moment that you died, 3 months short of two years ago.

I spent today crying for you, missing you, mourning you.

I will always love you, Jacob.

I'm going to make everything ok.  I promise.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

Religious Gas-Lighting on Daylight Atheism

I have a new piece up at Daylight Atheism.

I really like how this one turned out.

It's about refusing to be gas-lighted by the Religious Right anymore.

Here it is:

http://www.daylightatheism.org/2011/08/religious-gas-lighting.html

An Atheist's Confession

In loving memory of my baby brother, Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 – 02/02/10)

My beloved baby brother, Jacob, hung himself last year in my parents’ basement.  I wouldn’t wish my pain on my worst enemy.  It’s been a year and a half, and, sometimes, I still can’t get out of bed or stop crying.  I’ll be in public, and I’ll inexplicably, to anyone else, burst into sobbing, jagged tears.  I blame a lot of people for his death, especially my parents.  But, mostly, I blame myself.  I walked away from my life to save my life, when I was still a child myself, but, in doing so, I walked away from Jacob.  I had promised to take care of him, to love him, to keep him safe and well, and I broke that promise.  Now, I am broken.  I will never forgive myself. 

I would make a Faustian bargain, I would sell my soul to the devil, I would torture myself, to get five more minutes with him, to be able to tell him one last time how much I love him, to tell him how sorry I am.  I would gouge out an eye.  I would hack off a limb.  I would sacrifice my life. 

I would try to contact his spirit.  And, I did try.  When I was in Paris still, in the months following Jacob’s suicide, I spent my days curled up in a fetal position on the floor of my apartment, screaming, and intermittently vomiting.  At first, I couldn’t even get up off the floor to go to the bathroom to vomit.  I would just vomit on the floor and lie in it.  It was the one time I was grateful for the indifference of my Parisian neighbors.  I thought I would die of grief.  I wanted to die, but I stopped from killing myself when I thought of the pain I would be inflicting upon my remaining two siblings. 

I begged Jacob’s ghost or spirit or essence or alternate version living in a parallel universe to visit me, to communicate with me, to contact me in some way.  I promised not to be scared.  As I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, which is a demon and occult-obsessed cult of demonology, not being scared of demons or evil spirits is not something that comes easily to me, even decades after leaving the religious community.  They believe that demons are real.  They believe that demons can hurt you physically, sexually, and psychologically.  They believe that demonic attack is an ever-present threat.  They don’t believe in hell, so they have to bring hell to earth.  I was already in hell, and I would have let a demon rape me, if it meant being able to see my baby brother again. 

I tried everything.  I bought all the books.  I lit the candles.  I did the research.  I burned his ashes.  I prayed to his picture.  I cast a sacred circle with salt after I swept it clean with a broom.  I built an altar to the four directions/elements.  I cast the spells.  I recorded my ceremonies and played back the video/audio, searching desperately for a message from the beyond. 

I sat in my fucking sacred circle of salt, before my altar, and I screamed for Jacob to haunt me, even if he wanted to hurt me, even if he was mad at me, even if he hated me.  I cut myself. 

But, he didn’t come. 

I am slowly creating a new life for myself.  Each day is a struggle.  I can’t tell you how maddening it is to want justice for your loved ones and for yourself when there is none to be had.  You go crazy, you kill yourself, or you continue on.  I sometimes envy my other beloved baby brother, Aaron.  He’s a heavily medicated paranoid schizophrenic.  I sometimes just want to let go and lose my fucking mind too. 

I’ve decided to devote the rest of my life to trying to fix all of those things, which hurt me and mine so much.  In Jacob’s honor and in Jacob’s name.  I am going to leave a glorious legacy for the both of us.  I am going to live for the both of us. 

Jacob is my savior.  Jacob’s death gave me back my relationship with my baby bro, Aaron.  Jacob’s suicide released me from my fear.  It enraged me, and I am using that rage as motivation. 

And, in a funny way, Jacob helps me to be less afraid of the dark and less afraid of demons. 

Because, if there is a spirit world, then I know that Jacob is in it.  And, I know that he would never let anyone or anything hurt me.

I know he would kick a demon’s disembodied ass before he’d let him touch me.

I will always love you, Jacob. 

And, you can come visit me anytime you want.  

Living For Two

Jacob died for me.

And, so, I live for him.

And, I'm not going to fail him.  This time.

I am going to leave the most glorious legacy for him.

I will always love you, Jacob.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

Sibling Love and Luck

My sister, Rachel, is the most loving person whom I have ever met.

My brother, Aaron, is the most forgiving person whom I have ever met.

And, my baby brother, Jacob, is the bravest person whom I have ever met.

I got lucky.

Will Wonders Never Cease

I never knew it was possible to be this bloody sad and this bloody angry at the same time.

I know all of my friends are experiencing depression/rage fatigue, so I am posting this here, so that I don't exacerbate their fatigue.

Screaming online at misogynistic Islamists helps too.

I know that I have to get over the idea that if I let myself be joyful that that means that I love Jacob less.

Because every day I love him more.

Fuck, I miss him.

I will always love you, Jacob.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

Wendell Green

As my birthday nears, I think of Wendell.

I wish you were still around to let me steal your American Spirits and your F&B location money.

And, to warn me off bad boys.

No matter how much we fought, in the end, you always let me have my way.

I will never forget how you announced my move to Miami before it was official and told everyone how much you were going to miss me.

I will never forget you.

I will always love you.

As My Birthday Approaches

I never celebrated my birthday as a child.

And, I'm not going to celebrate my birthday anymore as an adult.

I spend my birthdays wishing for things that cannot be.

They are days of profound regret and longing.  

I think about you every day.

I miss you every day.

I cry for you every day.

I love you every day.

But, especially on my birthday.

I will always love you, Jacob.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

The Only Place for Segregation in a Democracy is between Religion and State

An Atheist's Anathema

In loving memory of my baby brother, Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 – 02/02/10)

I see you.  I hear you.  I know you.  You cannot hide from me.  I know your thoughts.  I know what you have done.  And, I know that you know that I know. 

And, I condemn you.  I do not forgive you.  I do not absolve you. 

And, I know that you want me to.  I know that you need me to.  But, I don’t, and I won’t.

My existence and my hatred and my rage and my condemnation torment you.  Because, you cannot pretend.  I won’t allow you to pretend.  I won’t allow you to live in a fantasy world of make-believe and no culpability.  Because, you are culpable.  And, you will be punished.  And, I will punish you. 

I am the only one who can grant you absolution.  I am the only one who can forgive you.  I am the only one who can release you from your guilt.

There is no one else.  There is no one else to save you.  There is no God to forgive you.  No amount of penance or prayer will save you from your conscience.  There is no afterlife.  No heaven nor hell; no purgatory nor limbo.

There is only me.  Judgment Day is now.  I am your personal Jesus Christ, your Messiah, your Savior, your Redeemer.  And, I reject you.  I deny you.  I will not wash clean your sins.  I do not exonerate you.  I am a wrathful, vindictive Old Testament God. 

You will call for me.  Before the end.  You will call for me, beg for me on your deathbed.  But, I will not come.  Call for a priest.  You’ll get no last rites from me. 

I am the only one who can pardon you.  There is no one else.  And, I deny you that peace.  I deny you that respite from your guilt.  I deny you.

It gives me pleasure to imagine you coiled up into the fetal position, in apoplectic agonies of shame, stricken with guilt, tortured by your memories. 

I want you to know, in the midst of your death throes, as you inhale and exhale your final breath, that I do not forgive you.  I want you to know that I will spit on your grave.  

I Left My Heart at the Santa Monica Pier

I will always love you, Jacob.

You will spend eternity somewhere gorgeous.

A place where you and Rachel and I visited many years ago.

I like thinking of you hanging out there.

Wait for me.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

Melancholia

I spent most of today thinking of my baby brother, Jacob.

I miss you so much.  I'm so sorry.  

Every time I embark on a new adventure I think about how much I would have loved sharing this with you.

You are always in my thoughts.

Always.  

I just want to make you proud.

I will always love you, Jacob.

My baby brother.  

My heart.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

Obama Working to Advance Religion in Cuba

In the latest Freethought Today, published by the Freedom From Religion Foundation:

Obama's Cuba travel regulations appear to create a crusading army of religious missionaries to descend upon Cuba to proselytize and evangelize the Cuban people as part and parcel with US foreign policy in an effort to undermine the Cuban government and alienate the Cuban government from the Cuban people.

This is a project I worked on with FFRF.

Read the article here:

http://www.ffrf.org/publications/freethought-today/articles/ffrf-cuba-policy-benefits-religion/

I Left My Heart at the Grand Canyon

Jacob will forever be a part of one of the most beautiful places on earth.

I will always love you, Jacob.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

No Complaining

If you're ok with the autocratic, extrajudicial assassination of individuals based upon moral outrage, that's fine.

But, then don't complain when they come for you.

My Precious

I carry my grief around like a small, precious object of great value.

I see it as an expression of love for my deceased baby brother.

It grows more dear to me as time removes me from the immediacy of his suicide.

I know that this probably isn't the healthiest of attitudes.

But, I'm just not ready to let it go.

I feel like I failed him in life, and I am determined not to fail him in death.

I will always love you, Jacob.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

The Whole Wide World

The only thing I want in the whole wide world, I can't have.

Just to spend 5 more minutes with you, kid, Jacob, my beloved baby bro.

Just to tell you how much I love you.

For that I would gladly give my life.

I will always love you, Jacob.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

California Dreamin'

I'm leaving soon for California.

I am going to go make a new life for myself.

But, I'm bringing Jakie with me.

I can't wait.

And, I won't be back.

Ever.

At least not until after my parents are dead.

I'm going to swing by the Grand Canyon to scatter Jakie's ashes.

And, I'm taking him to LA, a place where he's been before.

I'm going to scatter his ashes in the ocean, off of the Santa Monica pier.

I'm going to bury him amongst the Redwoods, in northern California.

He'll be with me in Berkeley, and San Francisco.

My heart is still broken.

It will always be broken.

And, I don't want to heal.

I don't ever want to recover from my beloved baby brother's death.

I'm glad I came home, to Minnesota and Wisconsin, to be with my siblings and to honor our baby brother, but it's time to leave.

The upper Midwest has become a place of hatred and rage and loss for me.  And, I'm glad to leave it behind.  I'm going to try to leave some of my hatred and rage behind with it.

But, I'm not leaving Jacob behind.

He's coming along for the ride.

We're going to take this next adventure together.

I will always love you, Jacob.

Jacob Michael Braasch (01/28/86 - 02/02/10)

Oxymoronic

The definition of an oxymoron:  religious feminist.

The best thing a woman can do to attain her own rights, as well as those of her sisters across the globe, is to denounce and reject religion.

Good News!!

According to WI law, Prosser cannot simply request a recount just because the race was extremely close.

He has to have a good faith reason to think that someone made a mistake in counting the ballots.

So, a little more good news.

Yeah, baby!!

Lesson of the Day

Kloppenburg won the WI State Supreme Court race by 204 votes!!!

(I know that there will most likely be a recount.)

But, that's no reason not to celebrate.

Lesson of the Day:

If you are an elected public official who calls women bitches (and blames those bitches for having forced you to call them bitches and doesn't apologize for having done so and claims to be perfectly justified in calling bitches bitches), then . . .

YOU WILL BE VOTED OUT OF OFFICE BY THOSE BITCHES!!!

Please take note, all current and future elected public officials.

Thanks.

1 Precinct Left; Kloppenburg Leads by 235 votes!!!

There is one precinct left; Kloppenburg leads by 235 votes!!!

It appears to be a precinct that will favor Prosser, but Kloppenburg will take some of the votes, and it doesn't look like there are enough votes for Prosser to overtake Kloppenburg.

There will probably be a recount either way, but it would be amazing for Kloppenburg to take this.

It's a good thing this bitch voted yesterday.

A Vote for Kloppenburg is a Vote for Women's Rights!!!